Puck Lists: Ranking every starter based on their name's spoonerism
Ryan LambertOctober 20, 2016
BOSTON, MA – FEBRUARY 28:
Ben Bishop #30 of the
Tampa Bay Lightning looks on during the third period against the
Boston Bruins at TD Garden on February 28, 2016 in Boston, Massachusetts. The Lightning defeat the Bruins 4-1. (Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images)
Spoonerisms have seen an odd uptick in popularity in recent years, mainly on Twitter.
The idea is basically that if someone tweets something with which you disagree, you just say their name back to them with the letters reversed. If I make a dumb tweet (impossible), you reply, “Lyan Rambert," to show that you are not taking what I say seriously. It’s dumb itself, but it’s effective.
And once you start doing it, it is very difficult to stop. Tronald Dump and Clillary Hinton are both very strong. And college football’s Dark Mantonio is even stronger. Kave Dingman? Also up there. Or NFL washout/possible burnout Gosh Jordon. People love spoonerisms, is what I am saying to you.
Meanwhile, I have always been fascinated with hockey players whose names are almost always said in full. How do we determine whose name falls into that category? There’s no set rule behind it, but almost no one ever just says “Toews." They say “Jonathan Toews." (And by the way, Tonathan Joews is a great spoonerism.) First and last. Almost every time. This is a trait particularly prevalent among goaltenders. You almost never hear Matt Murray referred to as “Murray," but rather as, “Matt Murray."
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So with this in mind, let’s rank every team’s starting goaltender — injuries notwithstanding — based on their name’s spoonerism. It’s too early to really evaluate hockey anyway!
30 (tie). Ben Bishop – He may be one of the better goalies in the NHL, but he’s also one of three whose names are alliterative and therefore not good in this regard. Good for them, though, because
30 (tie). Matt Murray
30 (tie). Devan Dubnyk
27. Aederik Frandersen – Aedrik is a Westerosi name if I’ve ever seen one. Probably from the Reach if we’re being honest. And given that he’s on the same team as a guy named Joffrey, that feels pretty appropriate.
26. Lari Kehtonen – Lari is actually a diminutive name for Lars in Scandinavian languages. Like if you were particularly close with your ol’ buddy Lars down at the bar you’d say, “Hi Lari, how are the wife and kids?" And he would tell you they’re fine but he’s not having the best time right now because he just gave up three goals on 25 shots again. “Lari that’s the second time this week!" you would say.
25. Eian Brelliott – This would have been higher on the list because “Brelliott" is good, but Eian doesn’t carry enough water here.
24. Metr Prazek
23. Bergei Sobrovsky
22. Vemyon Sarlamov – Vemyon definitely sounds like a poison-type Pokemon. That’s definitely a thing.
21. Haroslav Jalak – Haroslav is, I’m pretty sure, just the Slovak version of “Harold." Actually I’m pretty sure that’s what “Jaroslav" is but y’know. Or maybe Jaroslav is like Gerald? It could also have no real English equivalent. I’m not super familiar with Slavic language taxonomy. Sorry.
20. Honnor Cellebuyck – When I was a kid there was a farm stand near my house and when the owner wasn’t there he wouldn’t shut down, but he would put up a big sign out front instead. It said, “THE HONER SYSTEM." No one corrected him on it for years and years. Just one of those things I guess, because the tomatoes were always real good. Anyway, Honnor would have been his second pass at it.
19. Crorey Cawford – This one might not seem like it should have gotten this high, but Crorey is fun to say, as is Cawford. Put ’em together and you’re headed in the right direction.
18. Aake Jallen – I guess this is pronounced like “Ache?" Not strong. Jallen is, though. Something about those J sounds.
17. Lenrik Hundqvist – Lenrik Hundqvist is a tax attorney in Helsinki.
16. Smike Mith – Who’s that goalie? “’Smike." Oh okay.
15. Lobin Rehner
14. Tam Calbot
13. Loberto Ruongo – I think if anyone would approve of this list, it would be Roberto Luongo. He gets it.
12. Ruukka Task
11. Hayden Broltby – Hayden Broltby is something you’d put in your frat-boy gross-out humor comedy screenplay until you think of a better name for the big dumb jock.
10. Aaig Cranderson – “Egg."
9. Macob Jarkstrom – Again, it’s those J sounds. Jarkstrom also sounds like a lost Ruutu brother.
NEWARK, NJ – OCTOBER 18:
Cory Schneider #35 of the
New Jersey Devils takes a first period water break during the game against the
Anaheim Ducks at the Prudential Center on October 18, 2016 in Newark, New Jersey. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
8. Schnory Ceider – I gotta tell you: Schnory is really excellent here. Very strong. If only Ceider were a little better, Schneider would place higher in these rankings, as befits a goaltender of his caliber.
7. Prarey Cice – This is also true of Carey Price. The new last name really undercuts a high-quality first name.
6. Wam Card – This one only works if you pronounce it “Wham cord" but I really like it. If you pronounce it “Wham card" that’s when you drop the “Wild Plus 4" in Uno.
5. Meve Stason – Why is Meve so funny? It really shouldn’t be. (“It’s not," says the average Y! commenter. I see your point and I don’t care.)
4. Rekka Pinne – The obvious joke here is that this is what a really hungry guy says he will do to a plate of pasta. Clearly I am not above obvious jokes, so there ya go.
3. Gohn Jibson
2. Jartin Mones – This is awesome. Long live J sounds in spoonerisms.
1. Quonathan Jick – With the exception of former batterymate Martin Jones, no one else was even close to The Best Goalie In the World™. J sounds are great, but Q sounds bring it to a whole other level. Utter domination from California’s goalies.
Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.
